Meditation

Lately I have been in the muck. I have my head wrapped under some stuff like a turban and no amount of unraveling seems to get that thing undone. It’s ugly stuff. Stuff I don’t like to talk about, stuff I don’t ever write about. I don’t want record of the ugly stuff. That’s my survival mechanism. I only document the things that don’t hurt too much to look back on. The stuff that doesn’t have a residual build up.

I’m not having the rages. I’m safe right now, actually. Mostly happy. The medication is very efficient. It’s just other stuff I think about all the time. Stuff that makes me deeply sensitive to anything Husband says or does. Stuff that makes me think all the songs on the radio have a deeper meaning, specifically for me. Stuff that makes cry.

Ha. That sounds like I am pregnant. It’s not that kind of stuff, I assure you.

Because of the muck I have started reading self help books. I don’t like all of them, but I do like some. It goes back to that phase where I read Ram Dass and I dreamed about yogis in my bedroom laughing while I slept. I was happy then, thinking like they did. I try to find books like that, but with a little less transcendence. I was never good at meditation.

Things I read that stuck with me:

Happiness it the truest form of human existence. It’s only our thoughts that lead us to unhappiness.

Imagine your thoughts like leaves, floating off of a tree and into a calm, cool stream. Watch each leave for a moment and then let it fall into the stream and be taken away. Do not attach yourself to your thoughts.

This second one only works if you do not imagine that the leaves from your tree are actually molten lava, which cools on exposure to water and hardens in place. You must not imagine your thoughts as lava.

It’s much harder than I like to pretend, thinking of my thoughts like leaves floating down a stream. I try to tell Husband about this exercise – knowing it would help him if he could achieve it – but I can’t make myself do it either. Not “make” myself. That implies force. I want to to do this. But I have not yet been able to.

Fleeting moments are like this. I know when to extract myself and to look at what’s happening in my head objectively, take a minute and let it go. I know what makes me feel better, if I have enough time and a little bit of quiet. I succeed briefly at filling the stream with little leaves (which I imagine to be bright, fall colors like red and gold). Mostly I do this best while I am at work.

I guess that’s my safe place now. Home has too many ghosts in the corner, too many holes I punched in the walls, not enough good lighting. Everything is better with the right lighting.

But that’s the test, right? To be able to find your zen in your least comfortable place. That means you’re on your way to Nirvana, if you can meditate and not feel the discomfort of the world around you. If you can sit with your legs crossed for hours and not care that your legs have fallen asleep or that your roommate is watching TV too loudly. Once your nerves are no longer frazzled while in traffic, because every moment must come and go in your life – then you have achieved inner peace. I want that.

It’s not too much to ask, is it?

From the Interwebs

Offers From Craigslist:  Found in the "groups" section. Because nothing says "I want to be part of a community" like a good exorcism:

NATIONWIDE Telephone Deliverance & EXORCISM 

BROTHER CARLOS: EXORCIST, DEMONOLOGIST & PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR 

- TEL: 

WEBSITE: http://www.gotdemon.com

BROTHER CARLOS: EXORCIST, DEMONOLOGIST & PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR

Apparently you can do that sort of thing over the phone now? Who knew!

But perhaps you're searching for love in your life - craigslist can help you there too!

To Cast your Spell- I need 
Your name, date and place of birth
His/Her name, date and place of birth
a photo of Him/Her (if available)
I offer-Customized Spells based on your situation
Seven day and Four day ritual spells
Safe and Effective Love Spells
with immediate results
Same Day Cast Guaranteed
The first signs will start coming immediately
after the end of the procedure 
http://gypsyprincesswitch.com/2012/04/my-powerful-love-spells.html

Same day cast guaranteed! It's so tempting...

This seriously adorable tween who made a video for Mary Chapin Carpenter's song "He thinks he'll keep her".



I think she really hit home the message of this basically depressing song with the polishing of her iPhone and Mickey Mouses doctor visit, don't you? (Kidding aside? If I had my hands on a video camera at that age I am sure I would have made a similar video to an Alanis Morrissette song. Seriously.)

I spent entirely too much time on this site the other day at work. How can you not?

A touching animal story to make you feel like good news stories DO exist:



And for all you fellow Castle fans (or Dr. Horrible's Sing-along, or Firefly*)...THIS:

Look at those KNEES! Wow-y! And that hot diskman. I swoon. *Do not kill me Nathan Fillion fans but I still haven't seen DHSA or Firefly. I know, I know...

Is that enough? What more can I offer you, dear readers? What? Just what?

My Freudian Slip Is Showing

This morning, in the ten minutes between snooze alarms, I had a series of nightmares. One where I screamed psychotically at a cashier for letting someone cut in line in front of me. One where I was driving in the snow and started spinning wildly on black ice. And one with a snake.

I haven’t had the snake dreams for years. They started when I was a child – I assumed as a direct result of the huge snakes that my step father kept as pets. I had a fear that they would escape, I guess, because I would regularly have dreams that they did and that they would come into my bed and bite me and / or strangle me to death. In one prominent dream the snake mutated to a science-fiction size beast that ate all of my family as I watched. I still remember it vividly.

The snake in this dream was normal sized, but it couldn’t be caged. It seemed friendly at first. I was trying to play with it, as were the two cats and as I am writing this I am realizing exactly how comical this dream was because Oh my god a snake with two cats? It doesn’t get any more Freudian than that, does it? Except it does because the snake kept darting in and out of the covers and out from under the bed trying to attack the cats who weren’t sure if they wanted to play with something that could kill them. And I couldn’t cage the thing. No matter where I grabbed it’s head it bit me. In my dream state this was all so terrifying but in my waking state sex sex sex sex sex sex sex. OY VEY.

Ahem. Yes, Dr. Freud, I hear you.